Five Dumbest Summer Olympic Sports

Every so often you’ll come across a person who wants to belittle athletic achievement. You’ll be watching an event and he (and it’s always a “he”) will say,”That’s nothing. I could do that.” The Olympics should be the crowning athletic competition on the planet, testing the very limits of male and female capability. And most of the time they do. Most of the time.

What follows is the five worst Summer Olympic sports currently played in the games. The same games that kicked out baseball and softball after 2008. Those two sports, played by people all over the world, especially in the Western Hemisphere, are not good enough for the Olympics, but these five are. Your dumb friend is right when he sees these on his TV screen. He could do that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDgqyI_6oMs

5. (tie) Badminton and Trampoline

Badminton has been an Olympic sport since 1972 which at least makes sense. Everything was lame in the past and the 70s were an experimental time for everybody. What makes no sense is that Trampoline became an official Olympic sport in 2000. Yes, in the new millennium. And it stuck. So basically everything cluttering up your brother’s back yard is in the Olympics. When I was a kid my friend Mike and I used to practice pro wrestling moves on my trampoline. Little did I know we could have been training for Olympic greatness.

Did you know: China has dominated Olympic badminton since its inception with a total of 38 medals including 16 golds. The reigning male trampoline gold medalist is also Chinese. His name is Dong Dong. 

4. Rhythmic Gymnastics

Rhythmic gymnastics was first added to the Olympics in 1984, the same year the Soviet Union boycotted the games. Coincidence? Probably. Rhythmic gymnastics is different from the regular Olympic gymnastics as it requires significantly less athleticism and talent. The events include twirling a pretty ribbon, a hula hoop, a juggler’s club and a rubber ball. Basically it’s like watching a skinny girl dance around with cat toys. Oh, and there are no boys allowed in the rhythmic gymnastics clubhouse, so if you were hoping to see a young man twirl around with a three-foot ribbon between wedgies back at the Olympic village, you’ll be disappointed. That doesn’t mean there aren’t men’s rhythmic gymnastic competitions. It’s just the Olympics don’t recognize it as a sport. Keep fighting the power, guys.

Did you know: After its debut at the 1984 Olympics in which the Soviet Union didn’t participate, rhythmic gymnasts from the Soviet Union or former Soviet Bloc countries have won every single medal since.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdrXfIKKKaY

3. Handball

Handball was first introduced at the Olympics in 1936, but then everybody watched it and thought it was stupid so they immediately booted it. Handball showed up again in the 1970s because of course it did, 1976 specifically. Handball is a team sport with seven players on a side. The ball is a little bit bigger than a softball and has to be dribbled while you move. To shoot the ball at the goal, the shooter has to jump. It’s like soccer and hockey but can be played while holding a beer. I am 42 years old and not in the best shape at the current moment and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would dominate this game. That’s how dumb a sport it is. I’m the best person at it on the planet and I’ve never played it.

Did you know: The first ever gold medal in Olympic Handball was won by Nazi Germany in 1936. The silver medal went to Austria, Adolph Hitler’s birth country. 

2. Synchronized Swimming

You’d think that a “sport” as lame as synchronized swimming would have been grandfathered in as an Olympic sport, but you’d be wrong. It made its debut in 1984 as a team event. That year they allowed women’s duet and women’s solo and that lasted until 1996 when the women’s team event took over and the other two were dropped. Since 2000 the women’s duet and team have both been in competition, but that lonely solo synchronized swimmer who wants to compete alone just has to kick rocks. Very, very wet rocks. How do you “synchronize” by yourself anyway?

Did you know: Counting all the synchronized swimming events since it made its premier in 1984, no country has won more medals than Japan with 12. Of that 12, not a single one is a gold medal.

1. Anything with an effing horse

Yes. In case you didn’t know there are horses at the Olympics and they are competing. Not only are they competing, some of them are dancing. That’s right. Horse dancing. There are three different “sports” that horses compete in, jumping, dressage and eventing (an overall of jumping and dressage). Horse events were first held at the Paris Olympics in 1900. They took an Olympics off and were brought back in 1908. While watching a horse jump a fence might be fun, it’s not exactly a medal skill for the rider. And dressage is horse dancing. Uh huh. Horse dancing. To music. They give out medals for that.

Did you know: Ann Romney, wife of former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, co-owned a dressage horse that competed in the 2012 Olympics. Her name was Refalca. She finished 28th.